Written by Dazai Osamu, first published in Bungei Vol. 4, No. 6, 1st June 1936. Though the dates are not marked, it covers the period between the end of April to the beginning of May 1936. Translated by Laurie Raye.
Original Text: https://www.aozora.gr.jp/cards/000035/files/1589_18111.html
___th of ______
Somebody put a live snake in my letterbox. I’m furious! This must be the work of someone who enjoys making fun of unpopular writers who feel the need to check their letterboxes twenty times a day. I was in a strange mood after that, and spent the rest of the day in bed.
___th of ______
A letter from a friend said: “Don’t sell your suffering.”
___th of ______
My physical condition is poor. I’m frequently coughing up bloody phlegm. Even if I I told my family back home, they wouldn’t believe me.
The peach tree in the corner of the garden has blossomed.
___th of ______
My inheritance was apparently 1.5 million yen. I have no idea how much is left now. It’s been eight years since I was disowned. My older brother’s pity has been the only thing keeping me alive until now, so what am I going to do in the future? I have never even dreamed of working to earn my keep or anything like that. The way things are going, death would be a mercy. On this day, for all the filthy things you’ve done, it serves you right, you shitty little writer of shitty little books!
Dan Kazuo came to visit and I borrowed 40 yen from him.
___th of ______
I’ve been proofreading my short story collection The Final Years. I’m suddenly wondering if this will be my final published collection… Most likely it will.
___th of ______
Have there only been three people who haven’t bad-mouthed me this year? Or even less? No way.
___th of ______
A letter from my older sister: “I have just sent you 20 yen, so please accept it. Your constant demands for money cause me no end of trouble. I can’t tell mother, and for that reason these funds are only coming from me, so you’re really putting me in a difficult situation. Mother doesn’t exactly have financial freedom either… You must spend it wisely and stop wasting money. Nowadays you must be getting at least something from the magazine publishers, surely? You should be more frugal so that you do not need to rely too much on the charity of others. Please take better care of yourself. You should look after your body and stop going out so much with your friends. It would reassure everyone if you did, even just a little.”
___th of ______
Spent the entire day half asleep. Have had insomnia for two nights in a row. If I don’t sleep again tonight that makes three.
___th of ______
Wound my way down to the back alley doctor at dawn. It reminded me strongly of Mr Tanaka‘s poem:
Should I forget
my tearful journey
down this road
I wonder
Who would ever know?
Bullied the doctor into giving me morphine. Felt anxious and miserable seeing the light filtering through the fresh young leaves. I think it’s time to get better.
___th of ______
An incident of most unbearable shame and humiliation was cruelly brought up by my inconsiderate family. I stormed out, put on my shoes and made a beeline for home! I stood there for a moment, drawing myself up to my full height and looking very much like a statue of a wrathful bodhisattva, then kicked over the brazier. Then I sent the coal scuttle flying. I went into the small room and kicked the kettle into the sliding door, making the glass rattle. I kicked the tea table over and got soy sauce all down the wall. Cups and plates alike received their vicarious punishment. If I hadn’t destroyed everything to such an extent, I could not have gone on living. No regrets.
___th of ______
“Five foot seven and covered in shaggy fur.” “Die of shame.” Recalling such phrases I wrote previously, I chuckle to myself.
___th of ______
Yamagishi Gaishi came to visit. “I am surrounded by enemies from all sides, aren’t I?” I said, “No, perhaps only two sides.” He replied. We laughed heartily.
___th of ______
If you don’t talk about it, people think you aren’t depressed at all.
“I’m begging you, please just listen to me.”
“No, we’ve heard enough.”
“But-“
Argued like this with my family last night for three hours over a mere one yen fifty sen. I was extremely disappointed.
___th of ______
I can’t go to the toilet alone at night. A slender boy with a small head and wearing a white yukata, around fifteen or sixteen years old, stands behind me. These days it feels like just looking behind me is a matter of life and death. I am absolutely positive that the small-headed boy is really standing there. According to Yamagishi Gaishi it’s because of some unspeakable cruelty one of my ancestors did five or six generations ago. It’s possible.
___th of ______
Finished writing my next novel. Did it always make me this happy? I re-read it, and it seems good. I have told a couple of friends about it. With this, I’ll be able to pay back all my debts. The title is White Monkey Madness.
Translator’s note: The novel White Monkey Madness was never published and is no longer extant.
Yobanashi Café 